Return to Eden

When I'm forcibly marooned on a desert island, it wont be books I'll be taking, oh no! My only requirements in my sandy prison will be Ray Mears, Bruce Parry and Bear Grylls. If you don't know who they are google them now before they disappear for Lord knows how long on this new island paradise.

I've watched them on their various shows enough to know that they can survive anything, create anything and eat anything. So, in order for me to survive, I'll need their assistance and maybe a few extras.

Ray can fashion me some shoes as my corns won't stand up to the scorching sand underfoot and splintered crocodile eggs. He'll make these shoes from coconuts - I've seen him do it. When I'm thirsty, he can lay down a piece of plastic, make a few indentations in it and then wee in those indentations. In only a matter of a day or so, the urine will have been miraculously turned into vodka.

Bruce can keep me entertained by writhing about in agony or vomiting as he is prone to do on all his programmes. He doesn't seem satisfied unless he's in deep discomfort. I will have to step up a gear and think what I can do to accommodate his wishes. Bear's partial to being uncomfortable too. Bear can do anything - climb a steep ravine while using the gents' at the same time, get close enough to a horde of elephants till he can make out what they had for breakfast and dry himself with Arctic snow.

So you will see, we will build together this new Eden. Amen!