Eventless in Tunbridge Wells

I am writing this blog post without the aid of alcoholic and hypomanic inspiration. It's still too early to take a big gulp from my trusty bottle of gin, so I sip a carb-free cola instead. I thought I'd update you with some of today's non-events:

Non-event1: I think I ate at least half a block of lard today. I'm on a high fat crusade at the moment, just to stick two fingers up at current received wisdom on diet and health. Our Paleolithic mums and dads ate fat with relish and it didn't do them any harm. They were a lean people, take Raquel Welch for example, she looked good in One Million Years B.C.

Non-event2: My son ate a dandelion and its sappy stem. Correct me if I am wrong, but if you pick, touch or eat them, you will pee the bed. No problem, my son wears pyjama pants (a nappy) in bed. And so do I.

Non-event3: I went to Londis twice today. First time to buy a packet of cigarettes. The second occasion was to buy another packet of cigarettes. You might say I smoke too much. I say I'm rich enough to do it.

Non-event4: The fifth day has passed since I promised to give my daughter £2.20 for eating up all her soya beans. I'm running out of excuses now. Children don't need money. I do.

Non-event5: Spoke to my lovely estate agents, Miles and June - we're on first name and hugging terms now. Still waiting to hear if my offer on the dustbin shute has been accepted.

Worn out from today's "events", the gin is now beside me. It's going to be a long and interesting night.